“Grieving doesn’t make you imperfect it makes you human”
-Sarah Dessen
At some point in our lives, we will all experience some sort of loss. Whether it is the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a job, or a financial disaster at some point we all have to cope with grief. The thing about grief is that everyone processes and deals with grief in a different way.
I personally have experienced a lot of grief in my life. I have experienced the loss of loved ones, a divorce, many financial disasters, and the loss of a job. I processed and coped with each loss differently, especially if it was a self-inflicted loss versus one out of my control. I am sure you are asking, “What is a self-inflicted loss, and why would you inflict a loss on yourself”? A self-inflicted loss is any loss that you actually caused to yourself. Let’s be honest, most of us have experienced a self-inflicted loss. If you have not (as of yet), Lucky you. Yes, for some reason those self-inflicted losses hit way differently.
Mourning the Loss
After a loss, a death, or the end of a previous normal you are expected to adapt to the loss and create your new normal. Keep in mind that creating your new normal does not mean that you have forgotten about the loss it just means that you are adjusting. Some stages you may incur while mourning is:
· Accepting the loss- It is so common that while experiencing loss most people minimize or deny the loss affected them. Many suppress the loss by denying or acknowledging the fact that it occurred. To move on you must accept the fact that you are moving on without something or someone that once was.
· Processing the Pain of the Loss- Processing the loss can take you through many emotions. You may experience anger, sadness, and even guilt if it was something you could have prevented. You may be tempted to ignore or bury those emotions. But don’t bury those emotions instead confront them head on eventually, you will be able to make sense of those emotions.
· Adjusting to the loss- Depending on the loss, you may be experiencing multiple life changes. Some of those changes may mean that you have to make internal, external, and spiritual adjustments. These adjustments may mean a change to your routines and even your entire worldview. You will need to navigate through these changes at your own pace, no one else’s.
· Finding a way to move forward- Moving forward does not mean that you have forgotten or are unaffected by the loss it just means that you have found a way to cope. By moving forward, you have found a healthy balance of cherishing something or someone that once was while moving toward what can possibly be.
The Stages of Grief
The Kubler-Ross model of grief describes 5 primary responses to loss. Someone grieving may go through the following stages in no particular order and may go back to a previous stage if triggered. The five stages are:
1. Denial- Disbelief that something has happened.
2. Anger- Questioning why something has happened or is happening.
3. Bargaining- Trying to make a deal with God or a higher power to make it stop or to undo what has happened.
4. Depression- Not wanting to continue on with life after or during the loss.
5. Acceptance- Realizing that it will be okay in the end.
Whether you are on stage 1 or 3 and decide to go to stage 5, remember you are allowed to process and grieve in your own way. Do what works for you, and makes you feel better! Every day will be different, some better than others.
Uncomplicated Grief vs Complicated Grief
Uncomplicated grief is something that we each have or will experience in our lifetimes. Most people do not require medication or counseling, however, if you find the burden of grief to be heavier than you can bare seek help. You may be experiencing complicated grief. Those experiencing complicated grief may find themselves abusing alcohol or drugs to suppress the emotional feelings of grief. For those experiencing complicated grief, you may need to seek professional help. You may find it helpful to speak to a psychologist or attend therapy groups with others that have experienced a loss. There is no time limit on grief, some may get back to their life pretty quickly others may take a little longer. No matter how long it takes you to grieve, remember to be kind to yourself.
If you or your loved one are coping with complicated grief help is available 24 hours a day. Please contact The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or TTY 1-800-487-4889.